So this blog.
Its a tough one, I can’t break off from it nor stay committed but listening to the radio this morning, and listening to the jocks be so grateful to each other and for the year that’s nearly gone by, I decided to step both my feet back into this abandoned blog.
So much has changed since A, in the past two years or so. This year has been dramatic and wonderful at the same time and last year was a wisp of dust in the air. The sun shone brighter this year I’d say. I’ve discovered friendships in friends and relationships in friendships. I’ve known what to seal down and what to let go. Decisions have been a major part of 2015 for me. To stay or to let go. Move or standstill. Breathe or hold back. Dream and soar or stay rooted. Despite the times gone by and the tears and rain, despite the patches of darkness or brittle cold, there are always moments in the three hundred and sixty five days that make us love ourselves a little more, feel proud just a tad bit extra, be grateful for the people holding on, thankful for the sunrises and sunsets, glad to be alive and I’m going to look at those moments and just say yes, I’ve been 25 years old for 11 months and it has been challenging, beautiful, hard, an experience but I’ve made it through to the other side.
Every year, one of the most important things I reflect back on are the people I’ve met or the people that I’ve lost. I am a griever, I will always grieve the people that I’ve lost. I believe that every person who has come into my life and touched it in some way taught me something, little or big, but have left their mark. It is sad that they couldn’t stay for whatever reason but I think I’m stronger and more receptive of the fact that nothing lasts forever and people move on.
I look at the moments that became memories as well. Whoever we are, whatever we become, one thing remains true to our soul- the memories we create with people. When I catch up with my boys, once in a while in some loud, overcrowded, smoke filled pub, we sit and reminisce about school, talk about ‘good old days’ and update each other on the friends that we are in touch with. There in that moment, our jobs, our lives, our problems are insignificant because all that matters is the company that you are in and the moments you are creating, that will be talked about and laughed about in the years to come. I love moments which become memories. Sometimes while sitting in a very merry atmosphere, I disconnect and travel into the little space in my mind and look at the joy from above, its small and beautiful and I hold them so close to my heart. This year gave me many of those moments for which I will always be grateful. Which I will always cherish.
I try to think back to happiness as well. When everything looks dark and bleary, you try and find a ray of hope, a little ray of sunshine to let it warm your soul. In the many downs of the year, I’ve had little ups too and those ups have had my heart explode with joy. The real kind of happiness is when you are smiling from your soul and you feel the happiness in your bones and I’ve had that so I count myself fortunate to see the beauty in the after light. One of the happiest moments of the year have to be Thanksgiving. I’ve been truly grateful to just be there, alive, basking in the glory of what looked like a perfect day.
I’m passionate about the relationships I have, the people I know, family and travelling. Travel was a major part of this year and the end of last year. I was fortunate enough to discover the magical lands of Nepal, the commercial hub and Bollywood land of India in Mumbai, various parts of Europe this year panning from Amsterdam and Paris to Rome and Portugal and have once again, lived the rose tinted film frame, as we say in our line of industry in the movies. I’ve been fascinated by public fresh water fountains, penny tossing ponds, the smell of freshly baked buns, ingredients so fresh, I’ve been fascinated by vineyards, had a towed away car, befriended so many people from so many walks of life but most importantly travelled alone again and discovered the love for life a little more. Whether it was enjoying the sunset on the River Tiber in Rome or watching the sunrise in Lagos, Portugal. Whether it was watching the closing festival of SAIL 2015 from our room parked along the dockside in Amsterdam or watching the goblet of gold take a dip in plush white clouds in the horizon from a bar on a rooftop in Lisbon. Whether it was walking to and fro on the bridge that connects the two sides of Porto or climbing down to climb back up in Braga or it was the delish apple pie from Winkel 43 in Amsterdam, it made me fall in love a little bit more- with life.
I also had moments where I almost died this year. Things that tapped into the truest part of my soul and questioned where my faith lay and on whom, I doubted the institution of friendship, the commitment of love, I experienced loneliness while being surrounded by people that loved and cared for me. I saw darkness. I found myself sick on empty, dark roads and expecting more than I should have. I’ve discovered truths about people that I may have never looked for and seen how people affect you so deeply to shift the balance of your soul. There have been moments when I have questioned every single thought I’ve had and have wanted to get away from it all. I did not take up to writing either. I also saw the strength that lay beneath it all. I had one foot out, but stayed put. I crumbled to dust, but I rose from it. I always have and always will give it all to bring whatever goodness I can to others. I have wondered so very often this year, why I did not deserve the things I did not have or why people create the need in you, for things you may not need.
Its been a trying year but I also made the best decision of my life by getting a ball of fluff home who is now the reason for me to smile through whatever my day may be like. A fun, excited face full of love and tongue and tail wagging awaits me every night at home and he has taught me what true love is like. Selfless, joyous, soul comforting and beautiful. I’ve learned a love like I’ve never before by just having him jump up and down to my knee every morning while I get ready for work and then watch me close the door behind me with a sad face when I leave and the uncontrolled joy he gets when I come back, I’ve learned that no human can ever be so selfless and giving like a puppy dog. He’s always brightened me up more than I could have asked for.
I’ve also been on the fence this year, a little bit more than my liking. Confused about concepts that I never heard of, that I was now in. Dilemmas galore, does this really exist? Can I co-exist? Questions that I’ve never imagined popped up. I changed a little, challenged my morals, disproved everything I once believed and just once again trusted wholeheartedly. And Yes, there was a moment when I asked ‘why me’, why am I facing the consequences of situations I never asked for or wanted to be in. But, the theme quote for this year has been ‘C’est la vie’ and so I brushed the dust and said my favorite quote and got by. Truly, it has been a very interesting year.
I’ve got a lot of love and care packaged silently into words for me too. I believe the words so strongly that sometimes I was disappointed when actions didn’t match up but I think I’m like my little puppy dog sometimes. When I can’t do a nose lick and get a belly rub, I can get a little low. I’ve missed my friends thoroughly, especially the ones who’ve drifted apart and relied on one for everything that I could. Its been a normal year on some terms I’d say. I had laughs, I was more open to doing random things, I had moments translate to memories, I had love and smiles, I had lots of drinking, travelling and befriending, I had lots of tears, lots of yearning and like life comes with its bumpy roads, I’ve wanted to ride along and discover even more.
Here’s to another adventure in 2016 and to more words typed out on a laptop, while staring out at window filtering the million thoughts.