Recapping 2015..

So this blog.

Its a tough one, I can’t break off from it nor stay committed but listening to the radio this morning, and listening to the jocks be so grateful to each other and for the year that’s nearly gone by, I decided to step both my feet back into this abandoned blog.

So much has changed since A, in the past two years or so. This year has been dramatic and wonderful at the same time and last year was a wisp of dust in the air. The sun shone brighter this year I’d say. I’ve discovered friendships in friends and relationships in friendships. I’ve known what to seal down and what to let go. Decisions have been a major part of 2015 for me. To stay or to let go. Move or standstill. Breathe or hold back. Dream and soar or stay rooted. Despite the times gone by and the tears and rain, despite the patches of darkness or brittle cold, there are always moments in the three hundred and sixty five days that make us love ourselves a little more, feel proud just a tad bit extra, be grateful for the people holding on, thankful for the sunrises and sunsets, glad to be alive and I’m going to look at those moments and just say yes, I’ve been 25 years old for 11 months and it has been challenging, beautiful, hard, an experience but I’ve made it through to the other side.

Every year, one of the most important things I reflect back on are the people I’ve met or the people that I’ve lost. I am a griever, I will always grieve the people that I’ve lost. I believe that every person who has come into my life and touched it in some way taught me something, little or big, but have left their mark. It is sad that they couldn’t stay for whatever reason but I think I’m stronger and more receptive of the fact that nothing lasts forever and people move on.

I look at the moments that became memories as well. Whoever we are, whatever we become, one thing remains true to our soul- the memories we create with people. When I catch up with my boys, once in a while in some loud, overcrowded, smoke filled pub, we sit and reminisce about school, talk about ‘good old days’ and update each other on the friends that we are in touch with. There in that moment, our jobs, our lives, our problems are insignificant because all that matters is the company that you are in and the moments you are creating, that will be talked about and laughed about in the years to come. I love moments which become memories. Sometimes while sitting in a very merry atmosphere, I disconnect and travel into the little space in my mind and look at the joy from above, its small and beautiful and I hold them so close to my heart. This year gave me many of those moments for which I will always be grateful. Which I will always cherish.

I try to think back to happiness as well. When everything looks dark and bleary, you try and find a ray of hope, a little ray of sunshine to let it warm your soul. In the many downs of the year, I’ve had little ups too and those ups have had my heart explode with joy. The real kind of happiness is when you are smiling from your soul and you feel the happiness in your bones and I’ve had that so I count myself fortunate to see the beauty in the after light. One of the happiest moments of the year have to be Thanksgiving. I’ve been truly grateful to just be there, alive, basking in the glory of what looked like a perfect day.

I’m passionate about the relationships I have, the people I know, family and travelling. Travel was a major part of this year and the end of last year. I was fortunate enough to discover the magical lands of Nepal, the commercial hub and Bollywood land of India in Mumbai, various parts of Europe this year panning from Amsterdam and Paris to Rome and Portugal and have once again, lived the rose tinted film frame, as we say in our line of industry in the movies. I’ve been fascinated by public fresh water fountains, penny tossing ponds, the smell of freshly baked buns, ingredients so fresh, I’ve been fascinated by vineyards, had a towed away car, befriended so many people from so many walks of life but most importantly travelled alone again and discovered the love for life a little more. Whether it was enjoying the sunset on the River Tiber in Rome or watching the sunrise in Lagos, Portugal. Whether it was watching the closing festival of SAIL 2015 from our room parked along the dockside in Amsterdam or watching the goblet of gold take a dip in plush white clouds in the horizon from a bar on a rooftop in Lisbon. Whether it was walking to and fro on the bridge that connects the two sides of Porto or climbing down to climb back up in Braga or it was the delish apple pie from Winkel 43 in Amsterdam, it made me fall in love a little bit more- with life.

I also had moments where I almost died this year. Things that tapped into the truest part of my soul and questioned where my faith lay and on whom, I doubted the institution of friendship, the commitment of love, I experienced loneliness while being surrounded by people that loved and cared for me. I saw darkness. I found myself sick on empty, dark roads and expecting more than I should have. I’ve discovered truths about people that I may have never looked for and seen how people affect you so deeply to shift the balance of your soul. There have been moments when I have questioned every single thought I’ve had and have wanted to get away from it all. I did not take up to writing either. I also saw the strength that lay beneath it all. I had one foot out, but stayed put. I crumbled to dust, but I rose from it. I always have and always will give it all to bring whatever goodness I can to others. I have wondered so very often this year, why I did not deserve the things I did not have or why people create the need in you, for things you may not need.

Its been a trying year but I also made the best decision of my life by getting a ball of fluff home who is now the reason for me to smile through whatever my day may be like. A fun, excited face full of love and tongue and tail wagging awaits me every night at home and he has taught me what true love is like. Selfless, joyous, soul comforting and beautiful. I’ve learned a love like I’ve never before by just having him jump up and down to my knee every morning while I get ready for work and then watch me close the door behind me with a sad face when I leave and the uncontrolled joy he gets when I come back, I’ve learned that no human can ever be so selfless and giving like a puppy dog. He’s always brightened me up more than I could have asked for.

I’ve also been on the fence this year, a little bit more than my liking. Confused about concepts that I never heard of, that I was now in. Dilemmas galore, does this really exist? Can I co-exist? Questions that I’ve never imagined popped up. I changed a little, challenged my morals, disproved everything I once believed and just once again trusted wholeheartedly. And Yes, there was a moment when I asked ‘why me’, why am I facing the consequences of situations I never asked for or wanted to be in. But, the theme quote for this year has been ‘C’est la vie’ and so I brushed the dust and said my favorite quote and got by. Truly, it has been a very interesting year.

I’ve got a lot of love and care packaged silently into words for me too. I believe the words so strongly that sometimes I was disappointed when actions didn’t match up but I think I’m like my little puppy dog sometimes. When I can’t do a nose lick and get a belly rub, I can get a little low. I’ve missed my friends thoroughly, especially the ones who’ve drifted apart and relied on one for everything that I could. Its been a normal year on some terms I’d say. I had laughs, I was more open to doing random things, I had moments translate to memories, I had love and smiles, I had lots of drinking, travelling and befriending, I had lots of tears, lots of yearning and like life comes with its bumpy roads, I’ve wanted to ride along and discover even more.

Here’s to another adventure in 2016 and to more words typed out on a laptop, while staring out at window filtering the million thoughts.



Then there is denial.

Its funny when people try to overlook the cracks in their own mirror and point fingers towards others. I, like all others agree to mistakes that happen in life, sometimes we go off track, sometimes we open a door we aren’t supposed to, we eat things we aren’t allowed to, we go places we shouldn’t be going, we break the law on that drunk night with friends, we all do things but its funny when people fail to admit. Look into your own well, to see how deep the water is. Look into your own pockets to see where the leak is. No one ever tells us to rob, to steal, to kill, to lie, we choose to do the things we do, so when one is faced with a difficult situation, always better to own up or realise where one stands than blaming others. 

I recently came across something which openly criticises, it may hold its truths but it got me wondering, do people look around themselves? Do they see that its easy to point a finger and say ‘hey you its your fault’ but do you see that nothing is caused on its own. Everything we do has a repercussion or a root to its cause. If your a drug addict, somebody may have handed it to you. If you are a killer, somebody may have taught you how to hold a gun, if you steal, you probably are homeless, poor or needy. Any vice or deed has its own roots. People turn vegan because something strong has affected them to make those choices, people choose to be charitable because of the things that affect them. There is always some reason as to why something is happening, and moreover, why something comes into being or existence. 

If you are in love, there is a reason why you are in love with a person, an animal or a place. Its the experiences that a place may have brought, a bond with a loved pet you may have shared or a connection with a person that brings to you to those emotions. Nothing comes into being on its own. It always takes two hands to clap, so it amazes me when people go into harsh denial and points out that one thing may be solely one individuals fault. 

Acceptance is one of the hardest things to do by being selfless and sometimes people may never know how much some random person in the world cares for you for no apparent reason. They maybe thinking about you and you might be totally oblivious to it and at the same time, you may completely we unaware how much resentment one may hold against you. 

It’s funny how you are sitting one day, randomly watching a tv show and very random thoughts pop into your head and make you wonder a whole lot of things. 


You will always be missed dearly…

I stood by your bed last night, I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep.

I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear,
“It’s me, I haven’t left you, I’m well, I’m fine, I’m here.”

I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea,
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.

I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more.

I was with you at my grave today, You tend it with such care.
I want to re-assure you, that I’m not lying there.

I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key.
I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said “It’s me.”

You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there.

It’s possible for me to be so near you everyday.
To say to you with certainty, “I never went away.”

You sat there very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew…
in the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.

The day is over… I smile and watch you yawning
and say “Good-night, God bless, I’ll see you in the morning.”

And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I’ll rush across to greet you and we’ll stand, side by side.

I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out… then come home to be with me.

-In memory of my dearest Tina, you will always be loved and missed- 


Day One: Breaking Off

It’s funny isn’t it, that you start counting your blessings and you start counting the lessons on your fingertips. You think there is only one kind of pain or hurt for each thing so when you’ve gone through loss, suffering, fights, anger, hate, you think you have learned how to deal with one situation, one scenario from the bruises you gained and its ticked off, it won’t happen again… but its funny because sometimes you walk down the trodden path and you still find new ways to learn things, new ways to be hurt, new ways to be disappointed, new decisions to make at old junctions. You stand corrected- you stand confused.

I find it hard to understand how we create a little bubble and somehow tend to become oblivious to reality. Its like you are living in a little world of your own and then everything seems great, you hold everything so close to your heart in this alternate reality and one day it just goes pop and you are left to wonder ‘where did I go wrong’ and ‘why didn’t I see it coming’ ?

Each and every time I think I’ve gone through this, people leaving, things changing, being surprised, being disappointed, its a part of life. That’s what we call the journey but why is it so hard to ‘break off’. I’ve been through many situations with friends, loved ones, family, colleagues and all it takes is to make one tough decision and then to stop. Breathe. Move on. It may be hard but we do it and we survive. But sometimes, its just so hard because you don’t get closure. You don’t see it coming, you don’t want to accept it. Its D-Day. It didn’t work. What you thought was yours, isn’t yours. You are on your own. This is your personal battle.

I think while I am writing this today, I’m overwhelmed by the situation and i’m emotionally drained because there is no logic to make me understand this. I know the right thing to do is to get up and walk away but then it also feels like ripping your heart out of its ribcage just for fun, it feels like drowning, it feels like there is no air left to breathe. Its just so hard. You know what you want but you can’t hold on because it just hurts. So when you can’t let go, you can’t hold on, what do you do? I’ve decided to ‘take a break’ but I know in my heart that no break will be long enough to heal, to overcome the situation, so I’m lying to myself and making an exit because nothing else seems viable at the moment, at least it won’t rain down like hot lava and burn you to ashes, because hope is what keeps people going. Maybe that’s what you hope for, one day, you’ll wake up and it will be a beautiful day, the sun will be shining again and you’ll have everything you’ve dreamt of. Then again you know that you won’t overcome it so easily, so to break off is to really let go. Maybe for a while, maybe forever… are you ready? Are you ever ready?

What baffles me even further is just nature. Why does one thing happen far too many times to people? How many times do you need to learn one lesson? When you try to protect yourself then why do you take the initiative but then drop your reservations and listen to gut instinct to fail at the end of it all? Some answers we may never get or find. All you are or all you will be at the end of the day are broken pieces of mirror on the bathroom floor. Scattered, Shattered.

I don’t think I believe in love anymore. I know it can be beautiful, I’ve seen it. I know it can be wonderful, exciting and fulfilling but I think I’ve seen too much loss. The loss of things that matter far too often. I don’t know if I have the courage to be attached to any place, any person, anymore for the fear of being let down. Fear is a dark thing, it prevents you, it protects you but it also caves you in. Sometimes some people come through as companions, advisors and soulmates and they put out a hand and drive you out of the darkness into hope and light but then when the hand goes away, they push you back into the same hole. I’ve seen ups and seen lows but I think some lows just push you out and back into a hole where you want to be in because you lose the ability to trust. You don’t want to hurt, you don’t want to be vulnerable, you want to invincible, strong, beating the odds but when emotional attachments throw you over, you are all but a crooked smile, a teary eye, a quivering lip and a broken heart.

I don’t think people look at someone as their first love. You have many loves before you realise what real love is. He or she may not be the first person you look at with a mouthful of forever ever afters, loss comes to you like edges of a sharp knife and cuts deep wedges in your soul. We may have lived through with more scars on our record than skin. I think love comes unannounced in the middle of the night, like a silent breeze through the window crack, when you least expect it and when you think you are done with it. Sometimes it almost feels like a miracle. But then you heal. You kiss that moment like forgiveness and you hold onto another like hope has finally arrived and wrap your lives around another like its a bandage that will heal you. There will be promises made on napkins, like pressed flowers in between a novel and no amount of songs, poems, movie dialogues or words for that matter can describe how you feel when you think you found that kind of magic. You shine like the moon and leave behind stardust with each of your footsteps. You are brave, you show your weaknesses and your scars and sometimes you shy away from the imperfect reflection on the mirror but you know that you will be embraced and you can burn as bright as the sun or be a puddle of mess on the couch and you will still be admired. Sometimes its the most beautiful thing that you will discover, you know you will love them if they were a still day or if they were a hurricane.

– T


When I was there last December, I was overwhelmed with the love and support I got from the people of Nepal. There was no doubt that the Nepalese were loving, kind, generous, witty, admirable and gentle but the kind of vibe that I got from the little windy roads, the snow capped mighty mountain range, the cool breeze, the warm people was nothing short of amazing.

The architecture, the temples, the chanting, the culture was all so pure and heart warming that even in the heat of Kathmandu or the chilly breeze in Pokhara, their love for hospitality and just people was eminent. I enjoyed Nepal because of the most amazing views, the breathtaking journeys, the history, culture and architecture but I fell in love with the people and the peace amidst the havoc and crowd and pollution, it was all still beautiful.

My heart goes out to Nepal and its people and the devastating news of the earthquake. Unfortunately as much as I wish I could blame someone or something, a natural calamity holds its arrogance and beats us all down but it breaks my heart to see tears on those ever smiling faces. Even in the crisis I see kindness and the whole community or communities across the global uniting to raise awareness, funds, and harness support for Nepal and I urge you whoever is reading to do the same.

We are fun raising in our cities and doing contributing to send over care packages, warm clothes and food supplies to help with the recovery and reestablishment of homes and lives in this beautiful country. Let’s help put smiles back and do the best we possibly can to pray for the lives lost, to support the families who need comfort and to help mend the cracks that are now upon the 4000 families that have lost someone and the 8 million that are affected.

If you are in the UK, you can support the fundraiser through the British Red Cross support fund.

If you are in the US, you can support raise funds through Jasmine Tenpa Lama’s go fund me raiser

And if you are in Australia you can use the information below:

FREE Courier Service for Donated Clothes by Airlines
As confirmed by Four Airlines, we can send donated cloths Free of costs to the Earthquake Disaster Victims in Nepal. If you have any unused cloths which is in good condition and worth to courier it, please send me your address. I will organise to collect clothes from your place. Alternatively, you can drop it at Suite 8 Level 13, 329 Pitt Street, Sydney NSW 2000.

* Strathfield – Archana Thapa – 0405 970 473 or
* Strathfield – Gitendra Nepali Grocery 0432 380 840
* Campsie – Chandra Haiju – 0430 791 127/ Dinesh 0450 663 037
* Rockdale – Ranzan Khadka – 0423 883 629
* Greystanes – Nisha Rani – 0402 634 006
* Kogarah – Sushmita Dhakal – 0401 357 551
Or Namsate bazaar, 14 Queen Victoria St (Binod} – 0450954044
* Bankstown, Yagoona, Padstow,Rivesrby,Riverwood – Niranajan – 0423 812 421
* Surtherland, Gymea, Kirawee – Niranajan – 0423 812 421
* Woodcraft – Bindu Malla – 0425 753 548
* Auburn – Neena [Nepalease Grocery Store] – 0416 709 995
* western Sydney region (Seven Hills). Yub Kharel – 0430 907 128
* Hornsby – Prashant Giri – 0433 076 973
* Dee Why – Krishna Sapkota [Northern Beaches] – 0433 644 077
* Guilford – Janaki Poudel – 22 Talbot Rd Guilford. –
* Penshurst – Srijana/Pursottam – 0425 326 404
* Carlton – Nima Shrestha – 0402334072
* Artamon – Kedar Neupane – 02 9439 6448
Krishna Rimal – 0422 03 971 / 02 8033 2533
* Granvillle – Bharat/Sagar – 04

* Brisbane – Santosh Kunwar – 0425 326 404

* Gold Coast – Sagar Dhamala – 0421920901

* Canberra [North] – Krishna Hamal – 0422 342 655
* Canberra [South] – Punam Pant – 0401 890 495

Adelaide City – Santosh Kc – 0426 502 794
Utsab – 0402 710 259

Darwin – Narendra Maharjan – 0426 262 734

Perth – Kedar Rijal –

In any case, if you are based in any other country, you can still jump onto any of these websites and contribute to help rebuild and look around if there are any fund raisers or care drive projects in your area. Please drop me an email or comment if you need help within the United Arab Emirates.

A few urgent requirements that have been doing the rounds are below, which may help decide your care package: :

Sanitary pads
Chlorine tablets
Protein bars
Sleeping bags
Torch lights
Solar lights
First aid kits
Hand sanitisers
Insect repellent
Solar/portable phone chargers

Medical lists :

Surgical disposable(dressing kits/gown/mask)
Portable sunction
Foldable stretcher
Handheld pulseoxmymeters
Rechargeable torches/power back up system/ solar lights
Portable ultrasound machine
Hand sanitizer in big amounts
Food for disaster area
Zigzag cotton
Plaster of Paris
Dressing pads
Iv drip set
Iv cannula
Iv kits
Alcohol swabs
ORS solution
Tetanus shots
Mosquito repellant
Neck braces
Water purifier
Anti inflammatory

All the information above has been collated through the various fund raising and drives that are happening around the world. Some is off Facebook. I’m hoping to make it easier for anyone who wants to help, to jump on board with all the information in one post.

Appreciate all your help. #PrayforNepal

Hoping that the tremors stop and the light shines through to all the families in the struggle. – Amen.


Nothing works to plan.

It’s funny that there are so many things to write about but you are only really truly compelled to express when you are deeply hurt. Sometimes in life, you are blessed and sometimes life teaches you that things are not meant to be. I fail to understand how one lesson is taught in many different ways and what the reason for may that be.

I’ve been observing intently and some stories stare back. I’ve been happy, I’ve put foot in front of foot and made my way out of the darkness. I’ve left things behind, nearly 6-7 months after what I thought my life revolved around, I found new reasons to be happy. I made new friends, new achievements, new hobbies to keep me going and then someone, somewhere decides that you are void of pain so how does one deserve or enjoy the luxury of happiness? Sometimes some lessons you never learn. The lesson of steering clear, don’t play with fire, take time to indulge, we never listen to old wives tales, do we?

Sometimes we end up at dead ends, roadblocks, you are stuck in a place you can’t get out of and you don’t want to get out of it either but all it brings is a kind of pain. Then you sit and wonder that this is beautiful, the feeling that is evoked, the little happinesses that it brings like the morning sunshine or the drops of rain on your cheek, like the wind in your hair, the words of a lover, its all beautiful, the kind of feelings that people evoke in you, it rekindles faith, it brings alive friendships, it connects you to soulmates but sometimes the very same fragments that create a beautiful mirror also end up in shards that pierce the heart.

I sometimes wonder when I stare out the window, why do people get things they can’t keep? why do they yearn for what they can’t have? What connects ordinary people with extraordinary tales? Do shooting stars exists? Do wishes come true? Sometimes I sit and wonder why people wish for the things they do. Its never enough. I imagine happiness like an hourglass sitting on the dark edge of a window sill and the sand within slowly trickling away. Sometimes the glass is full and then suddenly its turned upside down so that its all empty again, all taken away. Has anyone constantly remained happy?

I lost friends in the period I lost A, so I had no solace, but I also made new friends and grew fond of them. Finding A and loosing A has taught me life lessons but I don’t agree that I need any more. You can learn one thing far too many times within one lifetime and that seems to be enough. You never want to repeat the mistakes, you don’t want the pain, the distance, the love that you can’t have, the fights, the bittersweetness of parting, the overwhelmed emotions of meeting.. you don’t need that when you’ve let it all go, been there and done that. But it all comes back. Life brings it back in pangs, in short gasps for air like when you come out of the water after you’ve skimmed through the ocean beds in one full breath. I don’t understand why we need these things, why can’t we look and avoid any scenario or situation that may bring us down.

I’ve found myself holding onto many things, too tightly for far too long. Most of these things are dreams or silhouettes of dreams. When you find that perfect pair of shoes, that best friend, that soulmate, you think you can never let go, you will never let go, you will never be the same if you did but those shoes don’t fit, those friends don’t need you the way you do, the soulmates are connected but aren’t allowed to hold on, then you are disappointed so deeply that you back into your little cave of emotions because of being let down. I sometimes wish that everything we acquire is easy to let go of- love, life, friends, family… it would be so much easier to have no expectations.

It would be cold and sad if we we looked out the window but didn’t wait for anyone to return, if we looked at our phones but expected no ones calls, if we celebrate an occasion but didn’t expect a few to be around, if we wanted to send away some love but it didn’t matter who the recipient was, but regardless it would all be smoother, easier, peaceful wouldn’t it? We can never have our way. A fortunate few do… but sometimes you can’t even allow words to express what you feel for another and what they make you feel because either words fail you or the fact that having them put out in black and white makes them real and harsh and sometimes you don’t want to believe what you want from a situation, a place, a person and you’d rather live the illusion than try to make it real and break with the reality it holds.

Realisation is either over zealous or deeply saddening. When you are convinced and justified that one thing has to be a certain way and not how you imagined it or hoped it to be. When you are holding on when others have long let gone, when you see the moon in the daylight and hope for the stars. Its funny how we romanticise everything in life but how reality is so much more bland and strict and within the confined lines of ones limitations and boundaries.

Nothing is anything that you’ve ever imagined, nothing will never be what you hoped for or planned for and always keep room for something to change, be taken away, be reserved or just not be yours.

– T


I sometimes sit and wonder about random little things. Like I’ve been thinking about pain and the power of pain. There is physical pain and there is emotional pain. I can’t tell which one is worse because they are both a form of suffering but I am trying to understand if a broken arm hurts more because the bone cuts through the flesh and divulges into excruciating physical pain or a broken heart and a mind at unrest which steals away your daylight and your nights because there are no medicines to pad the unseen wound. 

If we talk about the latter, pain that is not physical, that is not curable unless ‘time heals’ as they say can be annoying. It goes deep down and is endless. It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t rest, it doesn’t kill you, you don’t end up loosing a limb, it is incessant and annoying. Because it keeps going. Pain, ironically, doesn’t give up. It painfully progresses until you can’t anymore. I’ve been doing some thinking about this sort of pain- the kind that awakens your soul and beats the hell out of trying to be ‘okay’. I’ve realised that people fight battles, people are confused, people want everything, there are expectations drawn that are sky high and then they come down to experience a pain self inflicted. 

Why and what is this pain? Usually triggered by matters that matter the most, slowly that creeps up the soul, that fills the hollow soul, the idle mind, the empty heart with a kind of venom that is uncalled for. Its fatal but it doesn’t kill. But I’ve heard that there is pleasure in pain too, it revitalises and shows you the meaning of being alive. I’ve also heard that pain allows you to appreciate the greener side, it fills you with gratitude for the times gone by, it rekindles hope for a better tomorrow. I believe human beings are designed to endure pain. Physical, mental, emotional and political. Beauty is derived out of pain like child birth (or plastic surgery!), there’s never been a love story that hasn’t hit the rough patch. It amazes me when couples don’t argue sometimes, what does that mean? How can people just co-exist, isn’t the spice of life in the little ups and downs? I don’t understand it but I am in no place to ask for a better explanation I guess. 

I’ve been trying to evaluate the causes of pain and how it affects one. Pain can be generated of any relationship, between siblings, parents and children, spouses, partners, colleagues, friends- the greatest of everything has seen the worst of everything too. I remember a fight my sister and I had a couple of years ago. We stopped speaking for 9 months- that was painful. A dear friend of mine and I are going through a very awkward rough patch, that too is painful. Very painful, because of the expectations that a relationship brings. Trying to maintain a balance always throws you off the ledge, sometimes you come clean and at others you hit rock bottom. When my parents discovered the truth behind A and me, we went into a silent phase- that was painful. Being surrounded by the ones you love and yet being so distant can be so hurting that it kills you. Sometimes we probe into truths and stories that aren’t meant for us. Some of us wonder too deeply and others just steer clear from the danger. I think its better to know something than to wonder forever, better to get up than keep dreaming and maybe every opportunity that looks like a mistake can never beat the pleasure of trying. Maybe sometimes taking a chance might be the riskiest thing to do, but the view on the other side maybe the greenest you ever saw, just maybe sometimes you can cross the line and walk past the warnings, you may discover a new world and at other times you would wish you hadn’t because with that sort of pleasure comes pain. Are you ready for that? Is one ever prepared enough for it? Pain- it doesn’t go away no matter how prepared you think you are. It finds its way back, during drinks, in the middle of the night, in between a movie, in your deepest darkest hours…

 I built so many walls around me that now I’m a ‘constant’ happy person. You let people in only means you invite pain. Everything that you let others do to you, for you, with you only leads to bonds which grow strong with time that lead to expectations and a kind of emotional attention and greed that crushes you with its fingers. When life doesn’t go your way, you are more disappointed by it than the moments it did go your way. We can’t really help it I guess. 

Sometimes you end up crying and you wonder why your cheeks are stained. Sometimes there are no answers and you just wonder why? Sometimes you look up into the night sky, choose a shining star and ask ‘this is not what I had planned for, I did not ask for this, so what kind of lesson are you teaching me this time?’ I think we expect too much from life but it sells us a little short. Its so big and pretentious that we don’t realise that expectations will always let us down, its the unexpected moments that changes our life, leaves us baffled and on the floor. 

Sometimes its funny how you find the perfect things in the most unexpected places and it brings you happiness like you’ve never know and then you find out that all of that is so short lived. It came with an expiry date. The honeymoon period gets over. Its not always happy, it may have been good, it may have revived you but now its going to take it all back and leave you empty, tired and in a state of pain. 

Sometimes you think you’ll get through it. You wait and deep breathe. You fight it with all your might, paste a smile, breath a little harder, count the hours. You wait, you wait for it to pass, like the storm. There are no prescriptions, all you have to do is wait for time to come and do its magic tricks. Sometimes you can control it, manage it and move with it until it diminishes, but just sometimes the water goes above the top. They say wounds heal with time and maybe leave a scar but they heal… I think sometimes the pain always lingers, the wound closes up but there is always behind that scar. In reality being strong is probably the only option you have. You can’t really win, pain will always have the upper hand, the ace cards- the truth is that there will always be more. Life will have some pain brewing just around the corner so you need to learn to pacify it. Sometimes you think you’ve been there, done it all and you’ve learnt all the lessons so you are ‘done’ but that’s not how it works- sometimes you are stuck in the rerun, again and again and again. 

‘Too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life’ and the pain that follows leaves you in shambles. 

At the end of it, you survive. You maybe broken but you survive it because that’s how life is designed. It breaks you down and picks you up and asks you to face the next ground shaking matter with the strong front. You survive because we are survivors. We survive the pain, the heartbreak, the empty desires, we get through it all.