I sometimes sit and wonder about random little things. Like I’ve been thinking about pain and the power of pain. There is physical pain and there is emotional pain. I can’t tell which one is worse because they are both a form of suffering but I am trying to understand if a broken arm hurts more because the bone cuts through the flesh and divulges into excruciating physical pain or a broken heart and a mind at unrest which steals away your daylight and your nights because there are no medicines to pad the unseen wound.
If we talk about the latter, pain that is not physical, that is not curable unless ‘time heals’ as they say can be annoying. It goes deep down and is endless. It doesn’t stop, it doesn’t rest, it doesn’t kill you, you don’t end up loosing a limb, it is incessant and annoying. Because it keeps going. Pain, ironically, doesn’t give up. It painfully progresses until you can’t anymore. I’ve been doing some thinking about this sort of pain- the kind that awakens your soul and beats the hell out of trying to be ‘okay’. I’ve realised that people fight battles, people are confused, people want everything, there are expectations drawn that are sky high and then they come down to experience a pain self inflicted.
Why and what is this pain? Usually triggered by matters that matter the most, slowly that creeps up the soul, that fills the hollow soul, the idle mind, the empty heart with a kind of venom that is uncalled for. Its fatal but it doesn’t kill. But I’ve heard that there is pleasure in pain too, it revitalises and shows you the meaning of being alive. I’ve also heard that pain allows you to appreciate the greener side, it fills you with gratitude for the times gone by, it rekindles hope for a better tomorrow. I believe human beings are designed to endure pain. Physical, mental, emotional and political. Beauty is derived out of pain like child birth (or plastic surgery!), there’s never been a love story that hasn’t hit the rough patch. It amazes me when couples don’t argue sometimes, what does that mean? How can people just co-exist, isn’t the spice of life in the little ups and downs? I don’t understand it but I am in no place to ask for a better explanation I guess.
I’ve been trying to evaluate the causes of pain and how it affects one. Pain can be generated of any relationship, between siblings, parents and children, spouses, partners, colleagues, friends- the greatest of everything has seen the worst of everything too. I remember a fight my sister and I had a couple of years ago. We stopped speaking for 9 months- that was painful. A dear friend of mine and I are going through a very awkward rough patch, that too is painful. Very painful, because of the expectations that a relationship brings. Trying to maintain a balance always throws you off the ledge, sometimes you come clean and at others you hit rock bottom. When my parents discovered the truth behind A and me, we went into a silent phase- that was painful. Being surrounded by the ones you love and yet being so distant can be so hurting that it kills you. Sometimes we probe into truths and stories that aren’t meant for us. Some of us wonder too deeply and others just steer clear from the danger. I think its better to know something than to wonder forever, better to get up than keep dreaming and maybe every opportunity that looks like a mistake can never beat the pleasure of trying. Maybe sometimes taking a chance might be the riskiest thing to do, but the view on the other side maybe the greenest you ever saw, just maybe sometimes you can cross the line and walk past the warnings, you may discover a new world and at other times you would wish you hadn’t because with that sort of pleasure comes pain. Are you ready for that? Is one ever prepared enough for it? Pain- it doesn’t go away no matter how prepared you think you are. It finds its way back, during drinks, in the middle of the night, in between a movie, in your deepest darkest hours…
I built so many walls around me that now I’m a ‘constant’ happy person. You let people in only means you invite pain. Everything that you let others do to you, for you, with you only leads to bonds which grow strong with time that lead to expectations and a kind of emotional attention and greed that crushes you with its fingers. When life doesn’t go your way, you are more disappointed by it than the moments it did go your way. We can’t really help it I guess.
Sometimes you end up crying and you wonder why your cheeks are stained. Sometimes there are no answers and you just wonder why? Sometimes you look up into the night sky, choose a shining star and ask ‘this is not what I had planned for, I did not ask for this, so what kind of lesson are you teaching me this time?’ I think we expect too much from life but it sells us a little short. Its so big and pretentious that we don’t realise that expectations will always let us down, its the unexpected moments that changes our life, leaves us baffled and on the floor.
Sometimes its funny how you find the perfect things in the most unexpected places and it brings you happiness like you’ve never know and then you find out that all of that is so short lived. It came with an expiry date. The honeymoon period gets over. Its not always happy, it may have been good, it may have revived you but now its going to take it all back and leave you empty, tired and in a state of pain.
Sometimes you think you’ll get through it. You wait and deep breathe. You fight it with all your might, paste a smile, breath a little harder, count the hours. You wait, you wait for it to pass, like the storm. There are no prescriptions, all you have to do is wait for time to come and do its magic tricks. Sometimes you can control it, manage it and move with it until it diminishes, but just sometimes the water goes above the top. They say wounds heal with time and maybe leave a scar but they heal… I think sometimes the pain always lingers, the wound closes up but there is always behind that scar. In reality being strong is probably the only option you have. You can’t really win, pain will always have the upper hand, the ace cards- the truth is that there will always be more. Life will have some pain brewing just around the corner so you need to learn to pacify it. Sometimes you think you’ve been there, done it all and you’ve learnt all the lessons so you are ‘done’ but that’s not how it works- sometimes you are stuck in the rerun, again and again and again.
‘Too often, the thing you want most, is the one thing you can’t have. Desire leaves us heartbroken. It wears us out. Desire can wreck your life’ and the pain that follows leaves you in shambles.
At the end of it, you survive. You maybe broken but you survive it because that’s how life is designed. It breaks you down and picks you up and asks you to face the next ground shaking matter with the strong front. You survive because we are survivors. We survive the pain, the heartbreak, the empty desires, we get through it all.