It’s funny that there are so many things to write about but you are only really truly compelled to express when you are deeply hurt. Sometimes in life, you are blessed and sometimes life teaches you that things are not meant to be. I fail to understand how one lesson is taught in many different ways and what the reason for may that be.
I’ve been observing intently and some stories stare back. I’ve been happy, I’ve put foot in front of foot and made my way out of the darkness. I’ve left things behind, nearly 6-7 months after what I thought my life revolved around, I found new reasons to be happy. I made new friends, new achievements, new hobbies to keep me going and then someone, somewhere decides that you are void of pain so how does one deserve or enjoy the luxury of happiness? Sometimes some lessons you never learn. The lesson of steering clear, don’t play with fire, take time to indulge, we never listen to old wives tales, do we?
Sometimes we end up at dead ends, roadblocks, you are stuck in a place you can’t get out of and you don’t want to get out of it either but all it brings is a kind of pain. Then you sit and wonder that this is beautiful, the feeling that is evoked, the little happinesses that it brings like the morning sunshine or the drops of rain on your cheek, like the wind in your hair, the words of a lover, its all beautiful, the kind of feelings that people evoke in you, it rekindles faith, it brings alive friendships, it connects you to soulmates but sometimes the very same fragments that create a beautiful mirror also end up in shards that pierce the heart.
I sometimes wonder when I stare out the window, why do people get things they can’t keep? why do they yearn for what they can’t have? What connects ordinary people with extraordinary tales? Do shooting stars exists? Do wishes come true? Sometimes I sit and wonder why people wish for the things they do. Its never enough. I imagine happiness like an hourglass sitting on the dark edge of a window sill and the sand within slowly trickling away. Sometimes the glass is full and then suddenly its turned upside down so that its all empty again, all taken away. Has anyone constantly remained happy?
I lost friends in the period I lost A, so I had no solace, but I also made new friends and grew fond of them. Finding A and loosing A has taught me life lessons but I don’t agree that I need any more. You can learn one thing far too many times within one lifetime and that seems to be enough. You never want to repeat the mistakes, you don’t want the pain, the distance, the love that you can’t have, the fights, the bittersweetness of parting, the overwhelmed emotions of meeting.. you don’t need that when you’ve let it all go, been there and done that. But it all comes back. Life brings it back in pangs, in short gasps for air like when you come out of the water after you’ve skimmed through the ocean beds in one full breath. I don’t understand why we need these things, why can’t we look and avoid any scenario or situation that may bring us down.
I’ve found myself holding onto many things, too tightly for far too long. Most of these things are dreams or silhouettes of dreams. When you find that perfect pair of shoes, that best friend, that soulmate, you think you can never let go, you will never let go, you will never be the same if you did but those shoes don’t fit, those friends don’t need you the way you do, the soulmates are connected but aren’t allowed to hold on, then you are disappointed so deeply that you back into your little cave of emotions because of being let down. I sometimes wish that everything we acquire is easy to let go of- love, life, friends, family… it would be so much easier to have no expectations.
It would be cold and sad if we we looked out the window but didn’t wait for anyone to return, if we looked at our phones but expected no ones calls, if we celebrate an occasion but didn’t expect a few to be around, if we wanted to send away some love but it didn’t matter who the recipient was, but regardless it would all be smoother, easier, peaceful wouldn’t it? We can never have our way. A fortunate few do… but sometimes you can’t even allow words to express what you feel for another and what they make you feel because either words fail you or the fact that having them put out in black and white makes them real and harsh and sometimes you don’t want to believe what you want from a situation, a place, a person and you’d rather live the illusion than try to make it real and break with the reality it holds.
Realisation is either over zealous or deeply saddening. When you are convinced and justified that one thing has to be a certain way and not how you imagined it or hoped it to be. When you are holding on when others have long let gone, when you see the moon in the daylight and hope for the stars. Its funny how we romanticise everything in life but how reality is so much more bland and strict and within the confined lines of ones limitations and boundaries.
Nothing is anything that you’ve ever imagined, nothing will never be what you hoped for or planned for and always keep room for something to change, be taken away, be reserved or just not be yours.